saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
