this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
