How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i will never coherently bang her
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
