The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
