There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
