dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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