I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
