either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
