So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
