I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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