your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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