Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
