dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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