Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
