i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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