The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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