You just made me feel so damn special
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
