i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
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