U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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