What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Four minutes until I can fart!
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
