is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
