I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize