Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
