My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
