Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
