i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize