How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize