nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Randomize
