my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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