What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
