I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize