Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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