i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
