did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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