You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
