make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
