How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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