mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
