Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
