This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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