Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
