I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
