I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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