He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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