dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
