I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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