my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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