Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize