dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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