1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
