I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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