I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
