I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
