Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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