So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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