Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
