If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
