I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
