Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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