I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
