Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
