You're my little dorito
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
