meet me or not, i'm out of control
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
