It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The beer is more important than you right now.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
