Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She even gives head with a lisp.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
