Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
