Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
